The Paradigm of Love

I told my mother the other day I’ve been more afraid of love, intimacy and marriage than I’ve been afraid of evil, sin and death. That was a pretty weird and wild statement but I’m glad I said it aloud because it got me thinking more about it.

This morning I realized I’ve probably actually been afraid of evil, sin and death but I just transposed that fear wrongly into concepts of love, intimacy and marriage… polar opposites. As I understand it, evil is willful rebellion from God and absence of Love, sin is willful rejection of and separation from spiritual intimacy with God and death can represent a loss of relationship and the dissolution of bonds. Actually they’re all kind of the same disfunction. I was surprised by this juxtaposition. Maybe this odd confusion was why I’d always chosen loveless relationships, was afraid of emotional intimacy and why I could never even imagine myself being married. What had wounded me so that I would hide behind such a topsy turvy paradigm? Something had caused me to believe love for another was a loss of self and personal freedom. I often disparaged the “couple thing”, as I called it. Something kept my heart locked away from true and tender emotional intimacy convincing me emotional vunerability was merely a prelude to pain and rejection. Marriage also seemed like a kind of death of the self carrying with it the probability of domination, disillusionment and dissolution.

So what changed in me? Why did I suddenly experienced such a complete paradigm shift?

God brought His Light back into my life. Through that Light he broke my heart without breaking my spirit. Like a knight in shining armor, the Prince of Peace took my hand and rescued me from a life of blindness and despair. He now stands guard over me as I learn to walk again. And it’s all been a gift…God’s blessing of grace.

God is teaching me that Love is more than what popular culture perceives it to be...more than I perceived it to be. I believe the path of Love is the path of complete surrender of one’s will to God. I could only surrender to God because I fell in love with Love. When that happened I felt my entire personality shift. My renewed relationship with God now compells me to live in dynamic trust with Him, do His will and share His Love with others.

I can also see how a Love relationship with God parallels human love, partnership and marriage. As I understand it, in a healthy, spiritually based marriage there is a mutual surrender to God and to each other. It is that surrender, that breaking open of the heart and transfiguration of the ego, that initiates a mysterious and eternal union of heart, mind and soul. Two truly become one in Love. That compassionate oneness is not a loss of self but a healing and spiritual completion of God’s creative vision of His holy/whole relationship with man, woman and himself. It is His pattern and plan. Therefore all Love relationships are mysterious and empowering and, I now believe, can only be experienced through God’s grace.

I am learning new things each day as God peels my oniony self. I hadn't fully realized until now how challenging emotional intimacy is for me. I’m just beginning to understand the hardness of my heart, the fortress I built brick by brick to “protect” my self, and why in my pride and shame I turned away from God. I choose to separate myself from everyone through sin instead of obeying God’s will and plan for me. In my blindness and pain I withheld my true self and the gift of Love from my brothers and sisters. I covered my light and buried my treasure. But God wanted me back. He applyed intense pressure to my hardened and painfully resistant heart. When it finally cracked and broke the wave of emotions that swept over me was overwhelming. We rode out the storm together. Then, in His tender mercy, Jesus took me back in his arms and turned my face gently to his. He waited patiently until I could gaze softly back with complete trust into the eyes of Love. I realize he has always loved me. He has always forgiven me, has never forsaken me and His Holy Spirit comforts me every minute of every day. It’s unbelievable I can say this.

I did not believe in the sanctity of marriage before October 2005. I'd always rebelled against the idea. Around that time God began to confront me with possibilities of healing and growth in this area of my life. He opened my heart to a friend who lives Jesus’ Love and gave me the courage to allow God to then open my eyes and ears to the Truth. This Truth was that by my complete submission to God and obedience to his will I could enter into a sacred Love relationship, a marriage, with Christ. As a member of his church he would then be my bridegroom and I his holy bride. By God’s grace alone I was able to trust in Jesus' unconditional love and tender compassion and, with complete honesty, call Him Master. My hand is now beneath His foot and I’m satisfied. This amazes me because I'd never been able to fully submit to God or man before.

After enjoying what I could only describe as a honeymoon with the Holy Spirit I've begun to fully realize God’s sacred marriage is a pattern for human relationships. I had heard this before in church but now I hold that precious knowledge in my heart. Knowing such Love exists gives me a lot of joy. Jesus continues the process of healing and shaping my soul so I can honor and embrace another if that's His will. Meanwhile, I’m happy to hold His hand as we explore new soulful territory together.