Castaway

The process of grieving and persistent mourning I'm experiencing is making me wonder what's going on. The emotions are very real but I only know, in part, what it is I'm mourning. And, weirdly, my patience is also at an all time low. Uncharacteristically, I'm getting angry about pretty insignificant things. A musical I'm directing this month has a teen cast and I've had to ask my co-director to be the one to talk with the cast because I'm not keeping my cool when they engage in typical, goofy, teenage behaviors. Thank God (and I mean that) I can be objective about this emotional upheaval and anticipate and avoid most situations that trigger "way over the top" reactions. These reactions range from my first experience with free flowing tears to volcanic anger. It all seems to be a part of a series of irrational, spiritually based experiences I've had the last two years. What's ironic is I've always been a pretty stoic, upbeat, patient, rational person. My chiropractor's opinion is the accident caused old emotional stuff to come up *and* maybe I'm finally being honest with people about how I feel. There does seem to be something deeper going on.

I intuitively feel the Holy Spirit is at work. The emotions I'm feeling are disorienting but the cool thing about them is they feel healthy. Yes, there's pain and discomfort but I feel strong spiritual shifts occurring...kind of like when an earthquake hits, pressure is released and tectonic plates shift into new places. Earthquakes shake up the world, unstable buildings fall, hidden layers are revealed in the upheaval and main lines break. Maybe my chiropractor is correct and the accident was a spiritual adjustment. Now I'm feeling the aftershocks and results of that soulful, cleansing quake.

In any case, I'm fascinated by the new colors, textures and joys of being newly alive. Praise God, I can love and am loved while learning, ironically, that love can also be painful. My challenge is to breathe, stay open hearted and allow God to make changes in me without getting anxious, struggling against the current and fearing what it all means. The truth is, I can rest in the Lord and he will protect me while I am healing, growing and changing. Lord, help me continue to have the courage to surrender to your will.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell
in the house of the Lord forever.

I watched Tom Hanks tour de force performance Saturday night when I was supposed to be sewing costumes. He made Wilson look so good the volley ball should have been nominated for Best Supporting Actor. I'm glad I watched the show. I needed to decompress. Tears were freely flowing throughout but especially at the end when Tom's character comes home. At this point, he realizes his isolation, pain and surrender to intuitive, spiritual being and the natural rhythms of nature have transformed him. He sees his old life with a new sense of clarity, honesty, detachment and peace. He seeks out his now married fiancé with compassion and a desire for resolution but it is the true love he holds in his heart that draws him to honestly face her pain and confusion and explore their shared love. "How tragic!", we say. They both loved each other but were divided by fate. She knew he was her soul mate, the love of her life, her intuition told her he was alive, but in her sorrow she accepted misguided advice, choose the easier, more conventional path and married not out of love but out of neediness. We ask, "Will she be happy?" Maybe. Or maybe her choice is the real tragedy in the story. Tom's character quietly observes she loves him truly, madly and deeply and in her heart she has remained faithful to him but he knows she is also a practical person of character who will honor the commitments she has made. On the island he has learned about surrender and love...he lets go.

I think the part of the movie that struck me most powerfully was when the character was telling a dear friend that when he was on the island he finally accepted he had no power over his fate. (His final act of surrender was when he was in the middle of the ocean and he let go of the oars.) Then, miraculously, he survived his ordeal but lost the Love of his Life all over again. Yes, this was most painful, but on another level, he understood that if God's hand was in it (reference to the package with angel wings) perhaps that loss could be gain. Still, he said he was so glad his fiancé had been with him in love and spirit on the island for those four years. Love enriched his life in unimaginable ways... helped keep him focused on staying alive from day to day...kept him breathing in and out waiting for what the tide might bring...hopeful.