Life

For the last three years, I've been on this crazy journey that is only just now starting to make some sort of sense. Three years ago it felt like I finally made a decision to grow up, take action, be a doer instead of a talker, face my dragons and just finally participate in life...get down in the mud and muck around as one of my friends said. Though I didn't know it then, that decision to participate in life rather than just archly observe it was the beginning of my journey home.

One day, after I had committed to care for my grandmother, I suddenly felt a distinct emotional shift inside that I could identify as "growing up". It was an unpleasant shock. At first it felt like I had fallen from freedom and grace. I was earth bound...body bound. I felt myself dying. I didn't know it then but that was part of God's plan. Slowly and relentlessly Jesus began to show me how to Live again. He tamed me...healed...courted...wooed me with His Light and Love. Despite my fear and resistance he would not give up and so I gave up and accepted His Love. Then, by the power of His amazing grace, Jesus lifted the weight of my dusty origins off my shoulders, blessed my humanness, forgave my sin and showed me what true Love, Life and freedom really are in compassionate relationship with Him. It was all so amazing I felt myself lifting off again but this time I wasn't flying out of fear...I was flying out of pure joy in and by the power of His Love.

So how can I both fly free and enjoy and work in the muddy garden of humanity at the same time? It's kinda like the mysterious fact I can have rational doubts and still believe in my heart without a doubt at the same time? What is this strange balance of body, soul and spirit-all beautiful and profound- and all playing a part in God's great mystery? Life.

So, one hard but interesting new part of my life adventure this month is becoming one of the "night people"...someone who works at night when most of the saner folk are fast asleep. Yes, I started delivering newspapers three days ago on the route near my house. Work starts at 2:00 am and must end before dawn. Yes, yes...it's a tremendous challenge since I also work during the day. Each morning I ask God to give me strength and he does. There is a purpose and plan for this job. I am supposed to do it until I am not suppose to do it. OK.

One of the cool things about being a night person is learning to see, to become aware of, the signs night people use to orient themselves with in the darkness. Glowing circles and stripes and crosses and stars spring to life in the high beams. When I'm searching for these signs it reminds me of the daring neighborhood treasure hunts my friends and I would challenge each other to during hot summer evenings. We'd roam the backyards, hopping fences and ignoring all boundaries looking for clues with flashlights. Mischief and potential injury were always waiting around each corner as we moved through the neighborhood like a wild pack of young coyotes, scenting and marking our territory with giggles and shrieks.

This night I find myself driving through now with speed and determination is a different kind of night... a soulful, "grown-up" night. Quiet and more intimate than day it waits, silently enfolding me in rich, dark velvet. I'm drawn onward, searching through the darkness like an lawless moth crisscrossing from glowing sign to sign to sign. I follow a path of Light that asks me to become more than I am. It is both painful and beautiful. To Life!