Shame and Embarrassment

I've been thinking about shame a lot lately not because I feel a lot of shame but because I hear a lot of Christians talk about how they feel shameful before the Lord. This is such a prevalent statement among Christians and Christian artists that I wonder if folks equate shame with piety and humility and if that is biblical. I'm really wondering about this and have started researching where this focus on shame originated. I've come from a place where I felt a lot of shame, self-hatred and despair for some 15 years for good reason...ie. having turned away from God's plan for my life and rejected Him. I sure don't feel a lot of shame now that Jesus has forgiven me and washed me clean in His blood. I feel brand new and I feel very happy I'm walking God's path. I don't see my happiness as prideful but rather I think it's a recognition of and gratefulness for God's grace working in my life to help me become an instrument of Love.

I sin a lot. When I'm tired I am not very patient and I get annoyed pretty easily. I fired off a very prideful and disdainful e-mail to a women who was rude to me yesterday...probably not too loving. I could go on. However, as my pastor mentioned last Sunday (Thanks Nate!!!) temptation (and sin in general) "focuses light on areas in our lives where there is darkness. Recognizing those areas gives us an opportunity to address them directly, learn and grow spritually. Temptation is not about "me" it's about looking to Jesus for His teaching in this area of my life. Our brokeness can say as much about us as our strengths...so instead of feeling guilty about being tempted and isolating ourselves from others or running away from our temptations we can chose to realize we are human (ie. subject to sin) and need God to deliver and teach us. If we do not run away from temptations but turn and face them we can grow beyond the shame and guilt that makes us want to hide from God. Instead we are can chose to draw closer to God and seek Him as our only true source of strength, forgiveness and salvation." I like these ideas.

I've been reading this interesting book called "Animals in Translation" by Temple Grandin. Grandin is an associate professor at Colorado State Univeristy and holds a Phd in animal science. She is autistic and since publishing a series of books on the link between animals and autistic people she lectures on both humane treatment of livestock and autism. Grandin has a unique perspective as a high functioning autistic person as she can explain how she sees the world. Because she is a scientist many of her observations have helped positively impact educational methodology and treatments for Autism. One of the quotes in her book stood out to me because it was about shame (p. 91),

"...shame, guilt and embarrassment probably all come out of the same primary emotion of seperation distress...your culture and upbringing teach you when to feel shame versus when to feel embrassment or guilt, but all three start out in the brain as the pain of being isolated"

Gradin is suggesting shame is a natural product of the pain of being isolated. In part, I agree. Maybe this sense of isolation could be based on a perception of being isolated from God and a perceived loss of unconditional Love. I know I immediately feel shame when I do things I know seperate me from God. Shame is God's alarm system. I also feel shame when I believe I am being rejected or isolated by people for some reason. I feel the pain of seperation and I immediately tend to blame myself for some personal failure. Then, as this unfortunate scenerio progresses (though God is healing me in this respect), I graduate to embarrassment and guilt and further isolate myself from others like I'm a leper or something. In reality, I may not have done anything wrong...maybe someone just disapproved of something I was doing quite innocently. Even when I know I am following God's will, I still react emotionally to isolation and tend to experience what Grandin calls "seperation distress".

I'm also reading Wendy Shalit's "A Return to Modesty". It's pretty intense and a rather depressing commentary on our society but she also makes many interesting points. Some of her thoughts on shame and embarrassment are:

"Embarrassment signals "that something very strange or very significant is going on, that some boundary is being threatened - either by you or by others." (p. 22)

"mutual love banishes shame...without love, the companion becomes the observer." (p. 72)

I really like this “mutual love” quote and think it’s right on. I have experienced several relationships based on attractions of various sorts but not mutual love and, yes, there is a lack of emotional intimacy and an emotional separation in such relationships that allows both parties to observe and critique rather than engage fully and compassionately in the relationship. The question in such incomplete relationships is not "How can I love you?" but is always "Do I measure up?" Of course, because it is unhealthy emotionally to focus on being what a partner wants you to be rather than who you are, the shameful answer is always "No".

In true love relationships there is a union of souls based on honest and authentic self-expression, a deep spiritual connection and shared Godly love. Partners are mysteriously and truly mated for life and Beloved of each in truth. In that state of truthful union human faults and flaws can be overlooked and forgiven with an unconditional compassion and adoration for the other that can only come from God. Therefore, there is no shame in love that is shared.

Now, what does the Bible say?