Changing Cynicism to Love
I've been pretty cynical lately about several cultural realities and that cynicism isn't doing my heart any good. Cynicism and criticism leave a bitter taste in my mouth and the energy left hanging in the air after critical words are spoken is heavy and empty. I had a friend, Jerry, who told me once it's better not to criticize anything or anyone if you can't offer a solution. He took that idea to the extreme and liberally offered unsolicited "solutions" to "my problems". But he was right about offering people solutions instead of criticism, and his great solutions for various life problems still ring in my memory.
Why am I cynical and where does that tendency come from? My parents are not cynical, critical people. I was not a cynical or critical child. Looking back, I think I began using cynical humor as a way of fitting in during my middle school years. Being rather shy and bookish, I had to learn how to talk "teenager". After observing my peers, I discovered cynical humor was the Tween vogue at my Christian middle school. I was more accepted by my peers when they thought I was funny, so I made the conscious choice to begin developing my comedic skills. Goofy, critical humor got me through my early teens. When I entered public high school, however, I'd outgrown the more obvious forms of adolescent humor and didn't have as great a need to be accepted by my peers. By then, I'd become disillusioned with the superficiality of teenage culture. That disregard resulted in a weary cynicism about life in general and a longing to be free from public school dictates. I spent most of my time as both a passive observer and friend to all in high school. But I felt like I was held prisoner by the State, forced to watch a B movie with really bad actors. Don't get me wrong, not too many people would have characterized me as a cynic during high school. I was very shy and kept my cynical views to myself, for the most part. This continued to be my pattern after I graduated.
By my mid-twenties, cynicism had spread from disillusionment with cultural norms to include disillusionment with my faith. Fully embracing skepticism, I eventually left the Christian church and became an agnostic. When I became a music major in college, I also acquired a greater capacity for musical criticism. I began to indulge in the "sophisticated" cynical game of ripping other artist's performances apart so as to appear erudite and "in the know". I guess it is reassuring to a fragile singer's ego to talk about the weaknesses of teachers and peers. Maybe that's why "American Idol" is so popular. Anyway, once again, I began another tiresome process of trying to fit my round self into the square cultural hole my now adult social setting dictated. At first it was exhilarating to discover I had a capacity for surgically precise, artistic criticism. My shark like singer friends respected my cold observations and laughed with heartless glee. But this kind of social blood sport didn't feel right. I soon discovered sharks are relatively harmless until they smell blood. Regardless of whose blood it is, they'll attack.
I've spent the last five years trying to reverse a habit I allowed to take hold of my thoughts and words. It's hard to change a negative behavior once it becomes ingrained. I thought I was making headway, but now cynicism has reared its ugly head again. Why?
I didn't know it until today, but I think I'm angry about the cards God has dealt me. I'm angry about the limitations being a Christian puts on my life. I feel like the Tin Woodsman in "Wizard of Oz". God banged out my dents, shined me all up and gave me a new heart. But then instead of getting to go to the Emerald City, God sat me in a olive green waiting room that seems terribly unremarkable and filled with strangers I can't fully relate to. So, I find myself watching the clock tick and looking over my shoulder wondering if this is where God really wants me to be. Despite my frustration, my faith in Christ remains strong and my better self tells me there is no situation that is unremarkable. As Mother Teresa taught, the simplest act of Love is God's work in the world. Every instant of Life is a learning experience. I've cognitively accepted those principles, but I don't think my heart has accepted God's will in regards to my life situation. I'm angry about what I don't have and find it hard to be thankful for what I do have. It's good to realize what's bubbling around inside. What are the lessons to be learned...hmmm? Maybe being a Christian and being a Believer in Christ are two different things and I need to redefine my relationship with God, Christ and the Body of Christ.
So...how can I stay positive? Being critical is kind of like an addiction. I know I'll want to indulge in it, because I feel some sense of personal power when I'm critical. So, when I feel the urge to criticize, I need a replacement behavior. Being positive is a choice. Maybe that replacement behavior could be prayer or thinking of something positive to say instead or doing something kind for someone. Replace cynicism with acts of Love.
God help me to guard my mind and mouth, convict me and help me choose to seek love in all my thoughts and actions. My hope is that Love will be the first thought in my mind all the time. Anything is possible through your grace.
Why am I cynical and where does that tendency come from? My parents are not cynical, critical people. I was not a cynical or critical child. Looking back, I think I began using cynical humor as a way of fitting in during my middle school years. Being rather shy and bookish, I had to learn how to talk "teenager". After observing my peers, I discovered cynical humor was the Tween vogue at my Christian middle school. I was more accepted by my peers when they thought I was funny, so I made the conscious choice to begin developing my comedic skills. Goofy, critical humor got me through my early teens. When I entered public high school, however, I'd outgrown the more obvious forms of adolescent humor and didn't have as great a need to be accepted by my peers. By then, I'd become disillusioned with the superficiality of teenage culture. That disregard resulted in a weary cynicism about life in general and a longing to be free from public school dictates. I spent most of my time as both a passive observer and friend to all in high school. But I felt like I was held prisoner by the State, forced to watch a B movie with really bad actors. Don't get me wrong, not too many people would have characterized me as a cynic during high school. I was very shy and kept my cynical views to myself, for the most part. This continued to be my pattern after I graduated.
By my mid-twenties, cynicism had spread from disillusionment with cultural norms to include disillusionment with my faith. Fully embracing skepticism, I eventually left the Christian church and became an agnostic. When I became a music major in college, I also acquired a greater capacity for musical criticism. I began to indulge in the "sophisticated" cynical game of ripping other artist's performances apart so as to appear erudite and "in the know". I guess it is reassuring to a fragile singer's ego to talk about the weaknesses of teachers and peers. Maybe that's why "American Idol" is so popular. Anyway, once again, I began another tiresome process of trying to fit my round self into the square cultural hole my now adult social setting dictated. At first it was exhilarating to discover I had a capacity for surgically precise, artistic criticism. My shark like singer friends respected my cold observations and laughed with heartless glee. But this kind of social blood sport didn't feel right. I soon discovered sharks are relatively harmless until they smell blood. Regardless of whose blood it is, they'll attack.
I've spent the last five years trying to reverse a habit I allowed to take hold of my thoughts and words. It's hard to change a negative behavior once it becomes ingrained. I thought I was making headway, but now cynicism has reared its ugly head again. Why?
I didn't know it until today, but I think I'm angry about the cards God has dealt me. I'm angry about the limitations being a Christian puts on my life. I feel like the Tin Woodsman in "Wizard of Oz". God banged out my dents, shined me all up and gave me a new heart. But then instead of getting to go to the Emerald City, God sat me in a olive green waiting room that seems terribly unremarkable and filled with strangers I can't fully relate to. So, I find myself watching the clock tick and looking over my shoulder wondering if this is where God really wants me to be. Despite my frustration, my faith in Christ remains strong and my better self tells me there is no situation that is unremarkable. As Mother Teresa taught, the simplest act of Love is God's work in the world. Every instant of Life is a learning experience. I've cognitively accepted those principles, but I don't think my heart has accepted God's will in regards to my life situation. I'm angry about what I don't have and find it hard to be thankful for what I do have. It's good to realize what's bubbling around inside. What are the lessons to be learned...hmmm? Maybe being a Christian and being a Believer in Christ are two different things and I need to redefine my relationship with God, Christ and the Body of Christ.
So...how can I stay positive? Being critical is kind of like an addiction. I know I'll want to indulge in it, because I feel some sense of personal power when I'm critical. So, when I feel the urge to criticize, I need a replacement behavior. Being positive is a choice. Maybe that replacement behavior could be prayer or thinking of something positive to say instead or doing something kind for someone. Replace cynicism with acts of Love.
God help me to guard my mind and mouth, convict me and help me choose to seek love in all my thoughts and actions. My hope is that Love will be the first thought in my mind all the time. Anything is possible through your grace.
posted by Michelle Coder | 1:46 AM
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