The Gift of Being Single
I realized yesterday, I'm glad I'm single. When I was younger I thought being single and childless was a kind of curse. As I grew older, I cried in frustration, wondering why God had not allowed me to marry and have a family. Now I believe I am childless and single for a purpose and maybe this is, in fact, another gift God has given me.
As I reflect on the idea of singleness and marriage it seems that putting my whole focus on purposefully finding a life partner takes my eyes off of God and takes my will out of God's hands. What fruits will such a mental focus yield? And why place my life in stasis until I marry? How often have I heard single people say, "When I have a partner then I'll...."? It's as if many single people feel they are nothing and their life is meaningless without a relationship and/or a family. This is a pervasive cultural lie.
There are those who can affirm one can be alone and yet not lonely. The development of personal interests, creative work, real friendships, social service and the exploration of one's own inner spiritual landscape and relationship with God can be very satisfying and joyful pursuits. And, hard as it is for some to believe, God's Love through Christ can offer complete emotional fulfillment. He is our Beloved in a very real sense. Yes, adoration and enjoyment of a Beloved partner is the highest experience of sanctified love we can experience in human relationship, but I am in the process of accepting this may be a gift not all are given.
So why do I think my being single right now is gift? For the first time in 20 years I have the time and personal space to explore who God made me to be. This seems egocentric but it is a healthy egocentricity. Whenever I was partnered, my focus was on my partner, on his interests and needs. I lost sight of my own life. I made my partner my God, burdening him with my spiritual needs. And I ended up resenting him for being who I asked him to be...my false God. I blamed him for my loss of self, his attempts to direct me and his human weakness. Without love and compassion my wounded heart became hard, my eyes dimmed and I stopped listening. Finally, I closed my entire self to him and to God and became terribly lonely. I was not honest with my partner, my God or myself. Was this because I had never been alone long enough to discover who God made me to be.
When I was 12 years old, I remember one night experiencing a revelation that I'd be "old" before I understood some important Truths. My 12 year old self was intuitively right on. Yes, time is a great teacher. Now, in 2007, I'm incredibly thankful for the life experiences God has allowed me. I'm thankful he was always watching over me, even when I rejected Him, and that he has chosen to heal me at this time of my life. In this healing process, he helps me remember daily to be honest, to find time to be alone and quiet to discover God's will and not to place the burden of my needs on another human being but place them in God's hands with complete trust. Yes, there is no perfect human lover who will give me everything I need. Only God's perfect love can complete me. How much better to let God's love work through me helping to focus my heart on truly loving others with compassion and tenderness. God's love is incredible joy. And it is at this point of realization that I am again glad I'm single. God loves me so I can share his love. Being single enables me to do God's work freely and give freely of my time and self to serve Him.
Yes, I still long for a true marriage of the heart, soul and mind, joined by love and compassion with my Beloved. I do sense I may marry some day. But right now, in my singleness, I really am not alone. I rest in God's arms, in His unconditional love, committed to live each day as God wishes, moving forward in Love and being open to and grateful for what He has already given.
As I reflect on the idea of singleness and marriage it seems that putting my whole focus on purposefully finding a life partner takes my eyes off of God and takes my will out of God's hands. What fruits will such a mental focus yield? And why place my life in stasis until I marry? How often have I heard single people say, "When I have a partner then I'll...."? It's as if many single people feel they are nothing and their life is meaningless without a relationship and/or a family. This is a pervasive cultural lie.
There are those who can affirm one can be alone and yet not lonely. The development of personal interests, creative work, real friendships, social service and the exploration of one's own inner spiritual landscape and relationship with God can be very satisfying and joyful pursuits. And, hard as it is for some to believe, God's Love through Christ can offer complete emotional fulfillment. He is our Beloved in a very real sense. Yes, adoration and enjoyment of a Beloved partner is the highest experience of sanctified love we can experience in human relationship, but I am in the process of accepting this may be a gift not all are given.
So why do I think my being single right now is gift? For the first time in 20 years I have the time and personal space to explore who God made me to be. This seems egocentric but it is a healthy egocentricity. Whenever I was partnered, my focus was on my partner, on his interests and needs. I lost sight of my own life. I made my partner my God, burdening him with my spiritual needs. And I ended up resenting him for being who I asked him to be...my false God. I blamed him for my loss of self, his attempts to direct me and his human weakness. Without love and compassion my wounded heart became hard, my eyes dimmed and I stopped listening. Finally, I closed my entire self to him and to God and became terribly lonely. I was not honest with my partner, my God or myself. Was this because I had never been alone long enough to discover who God made me to be.
When I was 12 years old, I remember one night experiencing a revelation that I'd be "old" before I understood some important Truths. My 12 year old self was intuitively right on. Yes, time is a great teacher. Now, in 2007, I'm incredibly thankful for the life experiences God has allowed me. I'm thankful he was always watching over me, even when I rejected Him, and that he has chosen to heal me at this time of my life. In this healing process, he helps me remember daily to be honest, to find time to be alone and quiet to discover God's will and not to place the burden of my needs on another human being but place them in God's hands with complete trust. Yes, there is no perfect human lover who will give me everything I need. Only God's perfect love can complete me. How much better to let God's love work through me helping to focus my heart on truly loving others with compassion and tenderness. God's love is incredible joy. And it is at this point of realization that I am again glad I'm single. God loves me so I can share his love. Being single enables me to do God's work freely and give freely of my time and self to serve Him.
Yes, I still long for a true marriage of the heart, soul and mind, joined by love and compassion with my Beloved. I do sense I may marry some day. But right now, in my singleness, I really am not alone. I rest in God's arms, in His unconditional love, committed to live each day as God wishes, moving forward in Love and being open to and grateful for what He has already given.
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" Isaiah 40:29
Labels: Journeys, Love, Marriage, Ruminations
posted by Michelle Coder | 4:52 PM
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