A Classic Victim?

OK. I stand accused of being (I think this is the way he put it) "a classic victim". A "classic" victim? Hmm? I know I still succumb to the occasional victimized whining, "Why me?" "I'm late because the traffic was bad!", "I've got so much to do", and the classic "If you loved me...". Yes, even today, feeling overwhelmed by work, my voice just naturally assumed that annoying, tremulous cadence that is so compelling if used sparingly with males who seem to need to be needed...I haven't yet figured why that works, but it works. I also freely admit to being an Enabler in regards to going against my gut in dicey relationships and naively wandering into dysfunctional playgrounds on a regular basis, despite grandma's warnings. This gal’s done "the dance", treaded lightly instead of walking out the door, worn the rear part of the "push me pull you" not because I wanted to but because...gosh darn it, I can't even remember why. At the time, I thought it had something to do with love. Was it really about fear?

I admit I've needed to turn on my spiritual fog lights lately. My head gets in the way of my heart. This week, diving in too deep, pushed to the limit, I ended up caught in a current heading fast out to sea. Just about the time fear prompted me to start shouting for help, I realized I'd gone spiritually blind. Drowning, I opened my eyes, looked for the light and started swimming. Boy does that first breath burn when you break the surface. That's when you're glad you know you can reach out to God and hold on tight.

There's something about acknowledging God and surrendering to Love that starts putting human relationships and cultural pressures in perspective. Sure, that can sound like escapism or victimization to those who haven't surrendered (one can even say offered your life as a sacrifice) to Love, but it's not. The mystery of God's grace is that I had to willing choose to surrender to Jesus as my Master and die to the self to be open to/one with God/Love. The process of dieing to the self, and what happens after that surrender, has to be experienced to be fully understood. To me, God's Love seems very close to the Love an emotionally healthy mother feels for her child or the deep and permanent bond a truly loving couple experience. It is a marriage and bonding of the soul.

The closest I can come to explaining why being a willing sacrifice to a loving God is healing me is once we taste true, whole, unconditional love we desire nothing less than true, whole, unconditional love. The fragrant presence of Love overrides all other impulses. It's a talisman that clears the foggy brain and informs the heart. Sure, I'm flawed and dented by my past. But now Love's grace reflects off the ridges and valleys etched into my being by life’s flights and floods and flowers and quakes and fills that inner topography with so much light all imperfection becomes beautiful and whole. I choose to let Light fill my inner landscape. I choose to open my mind and heart to the amazing grace that is eternally present and free to all.