Warrior Bridegroom

So I'm under attack. Now that I understand what is happening I can rejoice in this spiritual warfare because it means what has happened to me spiritually is real. I'm not afraid. My peace and confidence in the reality of Jesus and his grace lies only in the knowledge and strength I am being given by the Holy Spirit. He is my warrior bridegroom and he is shielding me and protecting me. He has set a wall around me and locked the gates. He is jealous of my affection and wants me to choose health and use the gifts he has given me for his purpose. Now that I understand I feel emotionally and spiritually safe, truly valued for who I am and deeply loved because of this Truth.

In my youth I've weathered many storms and troubles. How did I survive with my heart intact? I think it was God's still, small voice, a voice I'd buried deep inside, but has always been my anchor to reality when life's seas got rough. And even though my heart had not surrendered to Jesus as my master, still, I loved God and asked for his help. My previous commitment to Christ through baptism, my belief in spritual reality and love for my creator and my search for truth kept me afloat until I could find my way back to Life. Now, even amidst the storm I can find peace in Jesus' love. I can truly rest in his arms.

Conversion and Conflict

"While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare to hope that we could become more like Christ"

The Raggamuffin Gospel (p. 87) Brennan Manning

I appreciate that Manning says "to be alive is to be broken". The aliveness is when we wake up with your sight restored and the Holy Spirit in your heart as a guide. We are then fully alive in Christ by the gift of his grace. And it is only through the breaking of our will, our heart, our stubborness, our pride that that we can be filled with the grace of Christ and transformed in the Spirit. This is a free gift and is given to us in our weakness with compassion and love.

I know this first hand because it happened to me several months ago. The pain of my willful resistance to God was so intense I felt like I was going to have a heart attack and die. I had to lay on the floor part of the day just trying to breathe through the pain in my heart. The pain became so unbearable my will finally let go and I accepted Jesus as my loving Lord. The pain lifted immediately. After that experience, something dramatically changed inside me. I find it is difficult to tell people everything that has happened because I wonder if I should just live it.

"Once we accept the gospel of grace and seek to shed defense mechanisms and subterfuges, honesty becomes both more difficult and more important. Honesty involves the willingness to face the truth of who we are, regardless of how threatening or unpleasant our perceptions may be. It means hanging in there with ourselves and with God, learning our mind tricks by experiencing how they defeat us, recognizing our avoidances, acknowledging our lapses, Learning completely that we cannot handle it ourselves. This steady self-confrontation requires strength and courage. We cannot use failure as an excuse to quit trying."

TRG (85,86) Brennan Manning

So true. I am being tempted right now after a two month honeymoon as the renewed bride of Christ. I was relieved to read the above quote. All my demons, my wounds, my fears, my worries have risen up like hungry dogs. These defense mechanisms seem to have a mind of their own. No matter how I fight to control them I am powerless to stop my actions. This is frustrating and frightening because I don't want to hurt the people I love. I feel like I am failing. But there is also a part of me, and I know it's the Holy Spirit, that reassures me and comforts me. I must accept my weaknesses in humility, understand I cannot control my life or actions and surrender to God's will. Yes, I will try to rest in the Lord's love!

My friend and chiropractor, Lisa, told me months ago that I was on a spiritual journey and the most important thing was to keep my heart open no matter how frightening or intense my emotions became. I have always closed my heart when I felt there was even a small chance I would be hurt...at least my deepest self was safe...or so I thought. But that self grew stunted and pale from hiding for so many years and now, in the Light of God's love, I see it standing weakly by my side. This pale, frightened child does not know how to accept love with joy. She knows only lack of love and so grabs any small crumb of affection or kindness like a starving beggar. Coveting that crumb of kindness she quickly builds a world around it...and yet, she cannot make the gifts of love and kindness part of her life because to enjoy them is to potentially lose them. I did not know this intense fear of loss existed in me. It is very painful and disturbing but I'm thankful it's been revealed.

I was so arrogant to talk about my conversion as if I had it all together now. As usual God breaks my pride and turns it around into a lesson.

Why Beyond All Reason?

I've decided to create another blog because my current blog is not working right. This gives me the opportunity to have one blog devoted to the daily diary of my currently crazy relationship with God, and what I am coming to believe is a spiritually based compulsion to write about my thoughts on a daily basis...as the name suggests my life is currently beyond all reason. Since I have based my life on reason and logic more than emotion, and the things I believe God asks me to do right now are completely illogical, I feel like God is requiring what Brennan Manning calls crazy faith.

That leads me to the question of how we know the Holy Spirit is guiding our actions. Some say we go to the word for the verification that what we feel we are being asked to do is God's will. Other ideas are that others in Faith can help discern the Truth. I wonder if we can depend on our own feelings of rightness or the answers we hear in prayer. I am always concerned that my ego or my subconscious fears are masquerading as the voice of God. I guess if we ask many times (the right questions are important), read the Bible, pray and ask for guidance from like minded and spiritually mature brothers and sisters we will have confidence that what is revealed is from God.