Mother's and Sons

So...I'm driving with my mom yesterday criticizing one of my student's mothers for allowing her 10 year old son to sit on her lap when he's feeling shy in the lesson and totally treating him like a baby. I went on for about 15 minutes talking about the book I've been reading "Healing the Masculine Soul", and how I'm now really aware of the need for mothers to allow their sons to disengage from a psychological dependency on the mother and allow them to enter the father's world. My mom just nodded and smiled. Then she asked me about Teddy, who happened to be snuggled against me in the car. He glanced sideways at me with a smile, gave me a lick and snuggled closer.

Mom said, "You kind of spoil Teddy".
"Well", I said, "He's a dog and he's only three years old".
"That's pretty old for a dog."
"Well...". I thought quickly, "OK, in dog to human years he'd be 21 but really he has about the intelligence of a three year old human child so...hmm?" I affectionately stroked Ted's furry red head and he smiled again.
Mom nodded, "Yes, but you let him crawl on your lap like a tiny puppy and he's pretty clingy."
I was starting to get where she was going with this conversation.
"O.K. so maybe I spoil him."
"And baby him", Mom added.
"Yeah", I capitulated.
"So you're one to criticize."

Why don't I learn not to criticize others? God always nails me!

To Marry or Not To Marry?

I’m sure God intends for me to marry some time in my life. God is healing me of my fear of marriage and, for the first time, I can see the possibility of true spiritual union. However, I also understand that if the man God has chosen does not find his way to me it may then be God’s will that I never marry. I was stunned by that clearly articulated truth today.

Until recently I have not known what God wanted for me in regards to relationships. As a young girl I was committed to chastely waiting for my true love. At 26, still chaste and unwed, I began to doubt. My friends encouraged me to be less serious and selective. The two men I consequently entered into relationships with in my late twenties and thirties, and who I thought I would marry, were good friends who convinced me to date them. When I truthfully told them I didn't love them romantically they assured me that love would grow over time. Sadly, while we became more comfortable with one another as friends, I could never allow myself to enter into a truly emotionally intimate union with either of them. At the time, I knew I was living a lie but I thought there was something wrong with me. I know now we were spiritually mismatched.

Being partnerless these last three years, I’ve thought a lot about marriage and what it means to me. I’ve become confident that, for me personally, if I married for less than true love that choice would be following my will and not God’s will. Such a marriage would be emotionally empty and would hinder me from fulfilling God’s purpose. This is the reason I’ve decided not to try to date, go to singles activities or sign up for dating services. I’m choosing to place my trust entirely in God, focus on doing His work now as a single person and not allow my fears or worldly expectations to direct me.

Concerning worldly expectations, I see a lot of desperation in unmarried Christians over 25 years old. That makes me wonder if the church is placing a burden on single folks to marry. I am discovering that married Christians are often given more responsibility and authority. This seems to suggest marriage and children are an indication of maturity and insight. I don’t think this is biblically sound reasoning. Ironically, the Catholic church places unmarried celibates in authority.

I’ve been looking into Paul’s thoughts on the subject of marriage and celibacy lately. Paul’s idea that it’s "better to marry than to burn with passion" has always bugged me. (1 Corinthians 7:9) It seemed like he was saying uncontrollable physical desire is the only reason to marry. What an uncaring and thoughtless reason to enter into a deeply spiritual, life long commitment to another human being, I thought! Gladly, I’m seeing Paul's ideas in a different light.

It dawned on me yesterday that what Paul is really saying to the Corinthians it’s OK not to marry. Yes, the cultural norm is to marry, but if one chooses not to marry for spiritual reasons God will bless that choice. This is a departure from the idea of “be fruitful and increase in number” (Genesis 1:28) and the cultural importance of the Jewish tribal, family unit. Perhaps Paul is suggesting our marriage relationship with Jesus through the Holy Spirit can fully satisfy us emotionally and spiritually and the brotherly love shared by the Christian community, our new tribe so to speak, is intended to operate like a traditional family unit providing real love, security, comfort, nurturing, emotional support, friendship and solace. Yes, if a single Christian meets someone they long to be joined to as a marriage partner and have children with, then they should, by all means, marry. But Paul cautions that marriage, and the responsibilities that arise from such commitments, will inevitably divide one’s attention and create new challenges that a single person would not have to face, especially when experiencing persecution for one’s faith. So, ultimately, I feel Paul is not exclusively advocating either marriage or celibacy but is establishing a new cultural norm that validates spiritually based celibate lifestyles lived productively and healthfully within the context of regular society.

It’s something to think about.

Letting Go

"The circle is unbroken!"

God is asking me lately to to face my feelings about the ebb and flow of relationships. I'm not an ebb and flow kind of person. I always make a lifetime commitment to unconditionally and unrequitedly love my friends. So lately, when I've been praying for certain people, I visualize holding their hands and saying, "Don't worry, I won't let go". But into this image God has been telling me consistently "Let go". I've been resisting this command because I'm afraid to let go. Frankly, I'm confused. I rationalize that letting go might mean letting my friends fall or forsaking them but I think my fear is really one of loss of my illusion of control over them and of losing them. I know it's healthier for me to let go. God has been insistent, "Let go...Let go!"

I just read a passage from "Healing the Masculine Soul" about male initiation rites and how in traditional cultures the mother is ritually confronted by the male community and asked to let go of her adolescent son. This social ritual of letting go is a healthy psychological and spiritual transistion from female/earth/mother dependency and releases the son fully into the spiritual world of his father and into manhood. I appreciate the author's presentation of this idea. It makes a lot of sense. As I read this passage I realized, as a woman, I often try to selfishly control those I love, especially male friends and family members, attempting to keep them safe through my own perceived power in the maternal/physical world rather than admitting my powerlessness and being truly loving by releasing them to Father God's greater spiritual power and care.

So...today I finally asked God how to let go. In meditation, I visualized Jesus said to me give me your friend's hand. So I obeyed. What an answer to prayer! It was a relief to release my friend's hand to Christ. I could now let go of my daily fears knowing my friend was and is safe in His care. And then Jesus turned to me and said, "Now you take my other hand". For the first time I could see His eyes and He smiled. With astonishment, I tearfully took His other hand. As we stood there, I felt it was right to take my friend's other open hand. As we were all holding hands together, I felt the power of God's Circle of Love.

The chorus of this song started playing through my mind tonight so I looked up the lyrics...

Chorus
Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye, Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home a-waiting
In the sky, Lord, in the sky

I was standing by my window
One cold December day
When I saw the hearse come rolling
For to carry my mother away

[Chorus]

Lord I told the undertaker
Undertaker please drive slow
For this body you are taking
Lord I hate to see her go

[Chorus]

I followed close behind her
Tried to hold up and be brave
But I could not hide my sorrow
When they laid her in the grave

[Chorus]

I went home, my home was empty
Now my mother she has gone
All my brothers, sisters sitting crying
What a home so sad and alone

[Chorus]

The Bible on "Shame"

Hebrews 12: 1-13

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (vs. 4 -13 discusses spiritual discipline)

Psalms 34 :4,5

I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

(Commentary from NIV Women of Faith Study Bible (p. 889): Sometimes we behave badly and we need to make amends, but often the shame we feel is illegitimate and toxic. We want goodness from someone and he or she lets us down - and we feel ashamed. Someone doesn't like us - and we feel ashamed. In relationship with God, there is never shame. Christ has dealt once and for all with our guilt, and now we can interact with our Father without shame. In fact, when we look to him and depend on him, our lives will reflect the brilliance of his love because all "those who look to him are radiant" Ps 34:5)

Proverbs 13:18

He who ignores discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored. (See Hebrews 12:4 - 13)

Shame and Embarrassment

I've been thinking about shame a lot lately not because I feel a lot of shame but because I hear a lot of Christians talk about how they feel shameful before the Lord. This is such a prevalent statement among Christians and Christian artists that I wonder if folks equate shame with piety and humility and if that is biblical. I'm really wondering about this and have started researching where this focus on shame originated. I've come from a place where I felt a lot of shame, self-hatred and despair for some 15 years for good reason...ie. having turned away from God's plan for my life and rejected Him. I sure don't feel a lot of shame now that Jesus has forgiven me and washed me clean in His blood. I feel brand new and I feel very happy I'm walking God's path. I don't see my happiness as prideful but rather I think it's a recognition of and gratefulness for God's grace working in my life to help me become an instrument of Love.

I sin a lot. When I'm tired I am not very patient and I get annoyed pretty easily. I fired off a very prideful and disdainful e-mail to a women who was rude to me yesterday...probably not too loving. I could go on. However, as my pastor mentioned last Sunday (Thanks Nate!!!) temptation (and sin in general) "focuses light on areas in our lives where there is darkness. Recognizing those areas gives us an opportunity to address them directly, learn and grow spritually. Temptation is not about "me" it's about looking to Jesus for His teaching in this area of my life. Our brokeness can say as much about us as our strengths...so instead of feeling guilty about being tempted and isolating ourselves from others or running away from our temptations we can chose to realize we are human (ie. subject to sin) and need God to deliver and teach us. If we do not run away from temptations but turn and face them we can grow beyond the shame and guilt that makes us want to hide from God. Instead we are can chose to draw closer to God and seek Him as our only true source of strength, forgiveness and salvation." I like these ideas.

I've been reading this interesting book called "Animals in Translation" by Temple Grandin. Grandin is an associate professor at Colorado State Univeristy and holds a Phd in animal science. She is autistic and since publishing a series of books on the link between animals and autistic people she lectures on both humane treatment of livestock and autism. Grandin has a unique perspective as a high functioning autistic person as she can explain how she sees the world. Because she is a scientist many of her observations have helped positively impact educational methodology and treatments for Autism. One of the quotes in her book stood out to me because it was about shame (p. 91),

"...shame, guilt and embarrassment probably all come out of the same primary emotion of seperation distress...your culture and upbringing teach you when to feel shame versus when to feel embrassment or guilt, but all three start out in the brain as the pain of being isolated"

Gradin is suggesting shame is a natural product of the pain of being isolated. In part, I agree. Maybe this sense of isolation could be based on a perception of being isolated from God and a perceived loss of unconditional Love. I know I immediately feel shame when I do things I know seperate me from God. Shame is God's alarm system. I also feel shame when I believe I am being rejected or isolated by people for some reason. I feel the pain of seperation and I immediately tend to blame myself for some personal failure. Then, as this unfortunate scenerio progresses (though God is healing me in this respect), I graduate to embarrassment and guilt and further isolate myself from others like I'm a leper or something. In reality, I may not have done anything wrong...maybe someone just disapproved of something I was doing quite innocently. Even when I know I am following God's will, I still react emotionally to isolation and tend to experience what Grandin calls "seperation distress".

I'm also reading Wendy Shalit's "A Return to Modesty". It's pretty intense and a rather depressing commentary on our society but she also makes many interesting points. Some of her thoughts on shame and embarrassment are:

"Embarrassment signals "that something very strange or very significant is going on, that some boundary is being threatened - either by you or by others." (p. 22)

"mutual love banishes shame...without love, the companion becomes the observer." (p. 72)

I really like this “mutual love” quote and think it’s right on. I have experienced several relationships based on attractions of various sorts but not mutual love and, yes, there is a lack of emotional intimacy and an emotional separation in such relationships that allows both parties to observe and critique rather than engage fully and compassionately in the relationship. The question in such incomplete relationships is not "How can I love you?" but is always "Do I measure up?" Of course, because it is unhealthy emotionally to focus on being what a partner wants you to be rather than who you are, the shameful answer is always "No".

In true love relationships there is a union of souls based on honest and authentic self-expression, a deep spiritual connection and shared Godly love. Partners are mysteriously and truly mated for life and Beloved of each in truth. In that state of truthful union human faults and flaws can be overlooked and forgiven with an unconditional compassion and adoration for the other that can only come from God. Therefore, there is no shame in love that is shared.

Now, what does the Bible say?

Pearls and Swine

Matthew 7: 6

"Do not give dog what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you pieces."

This verse has always bothered me because I thought it suggested not to waste your time sharing God's word with people who can't believe. Thinking about it again, that is kind of the main idea of the verse...ie. that people who are hard hearted and choosing to remain blind in a worldly sense cannot understand the Gospel. Christ's divinity and the Gospel does sound like nonsense to such folks.

The verses surrounding verse 6 add more perspective.

In verses 7:1-5, Jesus teaches not to judge others. "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Verse 7: 6 "Do not give dog what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you pieces."

In verses 7:7 - 14 Jesus teaches:
1) If anyone knocks and seeks the truth they will find
2) God feeds us when we ask him to help us therefore "do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets"
3) "...small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

So...

Don't judge others

I am not to judge those who are blind or struggling but realize I most probably am blinded by a "beam" in my own eye, therefore I'm unable to clearly see, or discern, anothers "speck". I must ask God to remove the beam (perhaps of pride) from my eyes before I can help my brothers.

Hardened unbelievers cannot understand what is sacred or holy words and can become frustrated, angry and dangerous.

Dog and pigs are intelligent creatures but they are primarily controlled by herd or pack hierarcy and their appetites. They always seem to be hungry and negotiating for positions of power. If dogs and pigs are starving and are given something they think may be food but it turns out to be something they can't eat they may fly into a frenzy or rage and hurt or kill their caregiver. For instance, if my someone forgets to feed my dogs, in their hungry frenzy for food and even though they respect me, I have to remind them not to fight, try to get the treat first or bite my hand when I feed them treats. Likewise unbelievers tend to be driven by a desire for power and worldy appetites. The world does not offer true power, fullness or satisfaction and so these folks are always starving spiritually and emotionally. When I share my belief through witnessing or read the Bible to them it sounds like a silly fantasy and does not "feed" them. Their hardened hearts prevent them from hearing, seeing and accepting God's transforming power. Therefore they are not open to sacred truth, their hunger is not satisfied and in their emptiness they become enraged and strike out.

My question is in what other ways can I feed these people?

Ask God for help and he will answer and nourish you

Like a father, God is willing to help me if I ask for his help. By asking God to help me, and those who are hardened against him, I accept his nourishment through Jesus, the Bread of Life (John 6:35)

Treat people the way you want to be treated

My greatest desire is to be loved unconditionally and eternally. Jesus offers this incredible gift to me and this is the way I must treat others. As Christians we are to deeply and sincerely love each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. Being and sharing Christ's love unconditionally in true friendship is the way we can reach out to those who are hurting and blinded by the world. Through Christ's Love and the power of his Holy Spirit hardened hearts can break open and the blind can see.

Eternal life can be found by chosing the "narrow gate" and by walking the "narrow path"

Choosing to walk Christ's path is a challenge because we are choosing to both live outside and in the world at the same time. Living outside the world means I submit daily to Jesus and am willing to give up anything He asks me to give up. That's a hard truth. Am I willing to give up loved ones, my sweet Aussies, my career, my lifestyle, my talents, my personal dreams, my life? I'm only begining to know "the narrow path" and how God is using me but I do completely understand the seriousness of my decision to follow Jesus. Frankly, it sometimes scares me and I cry about what I might be asked to give up. I cry because as I surrender I feel a longing arise for beautiful things I never desired before, things like a loving husband, a home, a family, a "normal" life. At the same time I realize I need to let go of those sweet and healthy desires and accept that they may not be God's plan for me. How painfully ironic. I've been struggle with that lately. And...in this emotional mix I also realize God's purpose is more potentially beautiful and fulfilling and I really can trust in Christ's amazing Love. God help me keep my eyes on you and help my mind relax and trust your Love, compassion and wisdom.

Jars of Clay

2 Corinthians 4

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the Word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: "I believe; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary trouble are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Life

For the last three years, I've been on this crazy journey that is only just now starting to make some sort of sense. Three years ago it felt like I finally made a decision to grow up, take action, be a doer instead of a talker, face my dragons and just finally participate in life...get down in the mud and muck around as one of my friends said. Though I didn't know it then, that decision to participate in life rather than just archly observe it was the beginning of my journey home.

One day, after I had committed to care for my grandmother, I suddenly felt a distinct emotional shift inside that I could identify as "growing up". It was an unpleasant shock. At first it felt like I had fallen from freedom and grace. I was earth bound...body bound. I felt myself dying. I didn't know it then but that was part of God's plan. Slowly and relentlessly Jesus began to show me how to Live again. He tamed me...healed...courted...wooed me with His Light and Love. Despite my fear and resistance he would not give up and so I gave up and accepted His Love. Then, by the power of His amazing grace, Jesus lifted the weight of my dusty origins off my shoulders, blessed my humanness, forgave my sin and showed me what true Love, Life and freedom really are in compassionate relationship with Him. It was all so amazing I felt myself lifting off again but this time I wasn't flying out of fear...I was flying out of pure joy in and by the power of His Love.

So how can I both fly free and enjoy and work in the muddy garden of humanity at the same time? It's kinda like the mysterious fact I can have rational doubts and still believe in my heart without a doubt at the same time? What is this strange balance of body, soul and spirit-all beautiful and profound- and all playing a part in God's great mystery? Life.

So, one hard but interesting new part of my life adventure this month is becoming one of the "night people"...someone who works at night when most of the saner folk are fast asleep. Yes, I started delivering newspapers three days ago on the route near my house. Work starts at 2:00 am and must end before dawn. Yes, yes...it's a tremendous challenge since I also work during the day. Each morning I ask God to give me strength and he does. There is a purpose and plan for this job. I am supposed to do it until I am not suppose to do it. OK.

One of the cool things about being a night person is learning to see, to become aware of, the signs night people use to orient themselves with in the darkness. Glowing circles and stripes and crosses and stars spring to life in the high beams. When I'm searching for these signs it reminds me of the daring neighborhood treasure hunts my friends and I would challenge each other to during hot summer evenings. We'd roam the backyards, hopping fences and ignoring all boundaries looking for clues with flashlights. Mischief and potential injury were always waiting around each corner as we moved through the neighborhood like a wild pack of young coyotes, scenting and marking our territory with giggles and shrieks.

This night I find myself driving through now with speed and determination is a different kind of night... a soulful, "grown-up" night. Quiet and more intimate than day it waits, silently enfolding me in rich, dark velvet. I'm drawn onward, searching through the darkness like an lawless moth crisscrossing from glowing sign to sign to sign. I follow a path of Light that asks me to become more than I am. It is both painful and beautiful. To Life!