Spirit and Art

"When I examine myself and my method of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing knowledge."

~Albert Einstein

Favorite Wildflower Memories

Favorite wildflower memories:

• Sitting among the carpet of lupine and poppies in late spring on Table Mountain.
• Yosemite at Easter with five crazy friends...snow and water and color and laughter.
• Eating Jerry's wildflower salad: watercress, redbud,violets and lupine...it tasted wild.
• Jerry's letters describing his travels as he crossed the USA via bicycle: full of State trivia, pressed flowers, bird feathers and a biologist's commentary.
• Painting lupine and Indian Paintbrush for an art project.
• Helping my dad make his "Save the River" video.
• Long slow walks by the river and mountain hikes in the Spring.

Soulful Thanks - Revisited

Praise God and thank you to those who support me in prayer! I was blessed this weekend by a sense of peace and healing.

Reading this post tonight I realized I needed to do some re-writing...

My soul reminds me to be grateful for those souls who have taken their precious time on earth and loved, supported, guided and just walked along with me during joyful and challenging times. Today, I celebrate sharing my life with these dear friends and family...whether near or far, remaining close or never to be seen again...their laughter, compassion and energy are etched forever in my memory, rising to greet me in reflective moments; in light shimmering across river waters, 4th of July fireworks, Nakai's Native flute, a wildflower's sweet complexity, thoughtful poetry, cookie parties, Yosemite at sunset, listening to Prairie Home Companion, the grace of a beautiful horse, riding a fast bicycle, watching Aussies run, sharing a lovingly prepared meal, on Mondays, buying produce at the Farmer's Market, making music with friends, listening to a brilliant guitar or the silver shiver of sitars, carrot soup and blueberry scones, strong voices raised in songs of praise, tender eyes and gentle, easy laughter.

I also celebrate God's mysterious ways of teaching us lessons and helping us process our woundedness. I'm comfortable with mystery. Being an artist, I naturally tend to feel more comfortable living on the fringe of conventional thought and behavior. Maybe that's why I have an interest in the more mystical aspects of Christianity. I've always been open to exploring the "unknown" and have made some pretty far out mental journeys. I laughingly told my close friends once in college that I didn't need to take drugs because my imagination was pretty colorful. Reading and spending a lot of time alone helped create well-worn mental landscapes... Celtic genes filled in the gaps. I've always been quite comfortable "living in my head" so, for a rather long time, I've felt I had developed a clearer sense of the difference between my imagination and the Spirit at work.

In my youth, when I was a devout believer in Christ, and even later when I rejected Christianity, I've always trusted my intuitive/spiritual senses. This last year, I placed my trust in following God's will and in the guidance of the Holy Spirit and have opened my heart to following Christ's lead. Yes, I realize making decisions based on intuition and spiritual guidance is a sticky subject. One could rationalize acting out a selfish or willful desire by saying it was the Holy Spirit's directive. The challenge, I'm finding, is how to differentiate between God's will and my human will. That's a challenge I'm still struggling with in certain areas of my emotional self. When I'm feeling needy in some area, I become very hesitant to follow what I feel is God's guidance in case my need and not God is what is motivating me and, subsequently, causing interference and misdirection. Doubts and insecurity creep in and cause me to question what I sense intuitively. Yes, sometimes God makes his will known clearly by unequivocally closing and opening doors. At such times, I am learning to acknowledge that He knows what's best for me. I try to keep my heart open and respond in love and trust. Other times, the signs are more subtle and challenging to decipher or something I feel God is asking me to do seems so illogical, so amazing or so emotionally difficult it's hard for me to believe it could ever come true or be what God intends. Then I must simply surrender in trust and act with as much honesty and love as I am able to muster while waiting patiently for further understanding and staying open to possibility. Pretty challenging!

Our pastor talked about spiritual discernment and the Holy Spirit last Sunday. What does it mean to be guided by the Holy Spirit? A major point was the importance of accountability. As he mentioned, the Spirit would not ask you to do anything that wasn't biblically sound.

"The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of man except the man's spirit within him.? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words."

1 Corinthians 2:11 -13

So I say, live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:16, 17, 22,23

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6

A Place of Tranquil Passion

I was watching a PBS show about the artist Paul Cezanne. In his letters he mentions his childhood was nurtured by the natural surroundings of his country home…a place of tranquil passion. That description resonated with my own childhood experiences and the nature centered childhoods other like-minded souls have shared with me. It is so right, so healthy for children to grow up in natural surroundings...sacred sanctuaries in which we are allowed to create in order to play. Given the gift of such quiet, empty, creative space our child selves respond by building and weaving and dancing and singing into being, with improvisatory and passionate wonder, an inner landscape from which we gather inspiration, courage and hope.

Praise God for the joys of silence, creative spirit and easy laughter.

Going With the Flow

I remember a rafting trip I took with two college friends down a local river. They convinced me to shoot some rapids in a flat-bottomed fishing boat, which (of course) capsized in the first rapids we encountered. The boat overturned above my head and I was pulled under the water by the current. I realized I might drown and immediately felt a deep sense of peace come over me. At that moment, I surrendered to the current and allowed myself to be swept around the rocks. It was an amazing experience to actually “go with the flow”. Eventually, I ended up into a deep pool about ten feet under water. I was almost out of breath and was completely disoriented. I turned here and there in the water searching for the surface and then a thought came to me, “look for the light”. I found a stream of light and started swimming towards it. Bursting to the surface I gasped for air as my frightened friends swam to me and we all paddled to shore. After that the story becomes a comedy of errors about lost shoes and a mountain man who confronted us, shot gun in hand. But today I remember surrendering to the power of the river and the peaceful trust that no matter what happened all would be well.

Surrender

I was thinking about the idea of letting go this morning...about why we are afraid to let go of things, jobs, ideas, situations and those we need or love. Why am I afraid to let go? I'm afraid I'll lose something. Well...I do lose something by letting go, but that loss is the lose of illusion...the illusion that I'm in control. I want to be in control because I am afraid of the unknown...afraid to acknowledge I'm alone in this biological shell...a cast away in the frightfully large and unpredictable ocean of life.

I know I've built my labrynth of illusions to insulate me from harsh realities. Throughout my life dreams, illusions and mental constructs have been psychological survival tools, especially created in times of crisis to buffer or explain the world. But problems arise when I allow myself to become dependent on or attached to these illusions. Dependency works against self-realization as attachments begin to tie me down, hold me back, render me immobile, give me an excuse to remain immature mentally and spiritually, prevent me from allowing God's light to shine through me and, ultimately prevent me from becoming who I truly am.

That's where surrender comes in.

Surrender
VERB: sur·ren·dered , sur·ren·der·ing , sur·ren·ders
VERB: tr.
1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
2. To give up in favor of another.
3. To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right.
4. To give up or abandon: surrender all hope.
5. To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.
6. Law To restore (an estate, for example), especially to give up (a lease) before expiration of the term.

VERB: intr.
To give oneself up, as to an enemy.

NOUN:
The act or an instance of surrendering.

Law
The delivery of a prisoner, fugitive from justice, or other principal in a suit into legal custody.
The act of surrendering or of being surrendered to bail.
Restoration of an estate.

ETYMOLOGY: Middle English surrenderen, from Old French surrendre : sur-, sur- + rendre, to deliver ; see render

SYNONYMS: surrender , submission , capitulation. These nouns denote the act of giving up one's person, one's possessions, or people under one's command to the authority, power, or control of another. Surrender is the most general: "No terms except unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted" (Ulysses S. Grant). Submission stresses the subordination of the side that has yielded: "Our cruel and unrelenting enemy leaves us only the choice of brave resistance, or the most abject submission" (George Washington). Capitulation implies surrender under specific prearranged conditions: Lack of food and ammunition forced the capitulation of the rebels. See also Synonyms at relinquish.

Surrender is a scary thing because I'm surrendering to something, to someone, and that places a heck of a lot of trust in the someone or something. Surrender, then, is an act of submission and abandonment. When I surrender completely I'm admitting I'm powerless to control my life and the lives of others. I am abandoning control of my life to something or someone greater than my self. This runs so contrary to my personality, pop culture, current psychology fads and the whole "Me" generation's idea of "taking charge of one's life" that I can feel the hair rise on the back of my neck as I type. Yikes! How can surrender be healthy? And yet, I know surrender is healthy because the unvarnished truth is I am powerless.

OK...so then what?

The Guest House

The Catholic school at which I'm going to be substitute teaching for the next 4 months had a retreat at a local convent today. The retreat facilitator spoke with an emotional openness, spiritual intensity, humble assurance and comfort with practical mysticism that exists, in part, in the church I'm attending (thanks Nate!) but, sadly, I am finding is rare in most Protestant settings. I've observed lately many Protestants fear the mystical aspects of Christianity. This is very weird because they regularly, and without a second thought, partake of the body and blood of Christ in ritualistic communion. The topic of the Holy Spirit is also approached with caution in all but Apostolic and Charismatic churches. Again, this is ironic because Christ's gift of the Holy Spirit (a guide and helper) to those who surrender to God's will through Christ is central in Christ's teachings and part of the greater purpose behind his death and resurrection. As my pastor said this last Sunday, one has to be emotionally open to building a relationship with the Holy Spirit so one can learn how to better listen to and trust his guidance even if it seems illogical.

But...getting back to the facilitator...

The retreat experience was refreshing and very comfortable for me because the facilitator was able to actualize her intention to create a sacred space thought meditation on the concept of Hospitality. Some of the activities she had the staff participate in were much like those I have experienced in Eastern and "New Age" traditions and have always found touching and spiritually relevant. I was profoundly moved by the experience and am still digesting this spiritual meal. Praise God for providing answers in unexpected places.

The facilitator read various excellent quotes and scriptures to illustrate her teaching. One of these was the following quote by the Sufi mystic Rumi. I value Rumi's insights and I relate to this quote because the process of letting go, disorientation, pain, anger and mourning I am still experiencing is something I welcome because I understand it is a process of healing.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and attend all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture, still,
treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Jelaluddin Rumi (1207-1273)
The Essential Rumi
By Coleman Barks, NY, 1995

Good Energy From A Dear Friend

Thanks Jesse...

Subject: DAILY DOSE: Unimaginable Journeys
B"H

Each journey the soul travels takes it higher.
There are journeys that are painful,
because there is struggle. Struggle to wrestle
out of one place to reach another,
struggle to discern the good in the dim light
of depression, struggle to face ugliness and
replace it with beauty. However, in each of
these, a sense of purpose can overwhelm
the pain and bring its own joy.

Then there are journeys that seem to have no
purpose. Where nothing appears to be accomplished,
all seems futile. There is no medicine to wash
away the pain.

Every journey the soul travels takes it higher.
It is only that in some, the destination is a place
so distant, so lofty, we could never have imagined.
Until we arrive.

A Daily Dose of Wisdom from the Rebbe
words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman Menachem
Av 26, 5766 * August 20, 2006

Castaway

The process of grieving and persistent mourning I'm experiencing is making me wonder what's going on. The emotions are very real but I only know, in part, what it is I'm mourning. And, weirdly, my patience is also at an all time low. Uncharacteristically, I'm getting angry about pretty insignificant things. A musical I'm directing this month has a teen cast and I've had to ask my co-director to be the one to talk with the cast because I'm not keeping my cool when they engage in typical, goofy, teenage behaviors. Thank God (and I mean that) I can be objective about this emotional upheaval and anticipate and avoid most situations that trigger "way over the top" reactions. These reactions range from my first experience with free flowing tears to volcanic anger. It all seems to be a part of a series of irrational, spiritually based experiences I've had the last two years. What's ironic is I've always been a pretty stoic, upbeat, patient, rational person. My chiropractor's opinion is the accident caused old emotional stuff to come up *and* maybe I'm finally being honest with people about how I feel. There does seem to be something deeper going on.

I intuitively feel the Holy Spirit is at work. The emotions I'm feeling are disorienting but the cool thing about them is they feel healthy. Yes, there's pain and discomfort but I feel strong spiritual shifts occurring...kind of like when an earthquake hits, pressure is released and tectonic plates shift into new places. Earthquakes shake up the world, unstable buildings fall, hidden layers are revealed in the upheaval and main lines break. Maybe my chiropractor is correct and the accident was a spiritual adjustment. Now I'm feeling the aftershocks and results of that soulful, cleansing quake.

In any case, I'm fascinated by the new colors, textures and joys of being newly alive. Praise God, I can love and am loved while learning, ironically, that love can also be painful. My challenge is to breathe, stay open hearted and allow God to make changes in me without getting anxious, struggling against the current and fearing what it all means. The truth is, I can rest in the Lord and he will protect me while I am healing, growing and changing. Lord, help me continue to have the courage to surrender to your will.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell
in the house of the Lord forever.

I watched Tom Hanks tour de force performance Saturday night when I was supposed to be sewing costumes. He made Wilson look so good the volley ball should have been nominated for Best Supporting Actor. I'm glad I watched the show. I needed to decompress. Tears were freely flowing throughout but especially at the end when Tom's character comes home. At this point, he realizes his isolation, pain and surrender to intuitive, spiritual being and the natural rhythms of nature have transformed him. He sees his old life with a new sense of clarity, honesty, detachment and peace. He seeks out his now married fiancé with compassion and a desire for resolution but it is the true love he holds in his heart that draws him to honestly face her pain and confusion and explore their shared love. "How tragic!", we say. They both loved each other but were divided by fate. She knew he was her soul mate, the love of her life, her intuition told her he was alive, but in her sorrow she accepted misguided advice, choose the easier, more conventional path and married not out of love but out of neediness. We ask, "Will she be happy?" Maybe. Or maybe her choice is the real tragedy in the story. Tom's character quietly observes she loves him truly, madly and deeply and in her heart she has remained faithful to him but he knows she is also a practical person of character who will honor the commitments she has made. On the island he has learned about surrender and love...he lets go.

I think the part of the movie that struck me most powerfully was when the character was telling a dear friend that when he was on the island he finally accepted he had no power over his fate. (His final act of surrender was when he was in the middle of the ocean and he let go of the oars.) Then, miraculously, he survived his ordeal but lost the Love of his Life all over again. Yes, this was most painful, but on another level, he understood that if God's hand was in it (reference to the package with angel wings) perhaps that loss could be gain. Still, he said he was so glad his fiancé had been with him in love and spirit on the island for those four years. Love enriched his life in unimaginable ways... helped keep him focused on staying alive from day to day...kept him breathing in and out waiting for what the tide might bring...hopeful.

Grief Work

I am certainly no expert on grief resolution, Yes, like most people, I've had my share of loss and heartbreak but I have yet to experience the profound loss of a spouse, child or parent. From talking to others who have experienced such deep loss, losing a close loved one, especially if they are young, can be devastating. It is common for grief resolution and healing work to take many months, if not years.

Many times losing someone who is very dear to us, or on who we depend emotionally, can be so deeply wounding, so psychologically complex in nature that we cannot handle the pain of processing our grief and anger without professional assistance. It has been my experience that talking with loving and patient family members about the pain and confusion that surrounds a loss can be very helpful. However, if that family member is also dealing with the same loss, or one has difficulty talking with family members, it would be better to seek professional help.

I like working with counsellors I trust. Healing work with an objective yet caring counselor allows me to speak freely about feelings without fear of hurting a loved one and allows me to address anger and grief related issues that may involve other family members.

I did a search on the internet and came up with the following sites. I thought they were helpful to share........

Discussion of a broader understanding of the Stages of Grief

http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm

(Excerpt)

Probably the most well-known of these might be from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis.

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Many people believe that these stages of grief are also experienced by others when they have lost a loved one.

Personally, I think of these definitions as emotional behaviors rather than stages, per se. I believe we may certainly experience some of these behaviors. But, I believe just as strongly, that there is no script for grief; that we cannot expect to feel any of our emotions in a particular set pattern. I do agree that acceptance is probably the last emotion felt, and in some instances it may be the only one.

A lesser known definition of the stages of grief is described by Dr. Roberta Temes in the book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief." Temes describes three particular types of behavior exhibited by those suffering from grief and loss. They are:

Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)
Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)
Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)

I am better able to relate to this definition as it seems to more accurately reflect the types of behavior I have experienced and observed. Within these types of behavior might well be most of the feelings described in Kubler-Ross' writings as well.

http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm

(Excerpt)

So what is grief and what produces it? A helpful equation, which proves itself daily in all instances is: Change=Loss=Grief.

This means that:

A change of circumstance of any kind (a change from one state to another) produces a loss of some kind (the stage changed from) which will produce a grief reaction.

The intensity of the grief reaction is a function of how the change-produced loss is perceived. If the loss is not perceived as significant, the grief reaction will be minimal or barely felt.

Significant grief responses which go unresolved can lead to mental, physical, and sociological problems and contribute to family dysfunction across generations.

Grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.

Interesting list of Dos and Don'ts

http://www.snow.edu/~studentlife/griefloss.html

Stages of Grief and helpful suggestions from a Christian perspective

http://www.healingheart.net/grief.htm

Lamentation - A Healthy Alternative to Prozac

Lamentation can be a useful color in our emotional palate. It is an intregal part of the passionate, messy, improvisatory art of being spirit in flesh. If you've ever heard Dowland's amazing lute song "In Darkness Let Me Dwell" you've heard the master at his most melancoly... an "artistic" mood of Lament that was well accepted in the Renaissance. Traditional societies have long recognized the cleansing Lamentations provide the human heart, mind and soul. Why should we modern folks be any different?

Maybe we all need to explore Lamentations and a deeper Ceremony of Grief...knashing of teeth, tearing clothes, communal sobbing and throwing ashes in our hair. Maybe we are getting a bit too neat and polite about grief in our society. We are told it is best to suppress, to mask, to quickly alleviate our grief and, consequently, we and the world suffer. Lamentation is honest and, therefore, healing. It is a keening wail of pain that brings us to our knees, causes us to look so deeply inside we are forced to look beyond our selves and cry out for help. In our deepest need, we can choose to call out to God for he is waiting to open areas of our lives we may have never before had the courage to explore. We call to God because we have a history with him. We know he has helped others before us.

Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of Jordan,
the heights of Hermon - from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me -
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Grieving

I've been going through a process of grieving the past two weeks...the sources of that grief are deep ones and tied into some other current emotional and physical issues I've been dealing with. But I'm staying afloat and bailing out my storm swamped craft with God's help and guidance.

My Network Chiroprator (relaxing music and true healing abilities) told me my accident and back injury is an opportunity for God, working in relationship with me, to opening up emotional "core issues" I need to explore in order to continue to grow in health and spiritual oneness with God. A long sentence...but I trust her spiritual intuition and sense she's on the right track. I suspect this grieving also ties in with the spiritual shifts I'm currently experiencing. If there's a grand purpose in any of this it's that God loves me so much he is willing to work in my life to help me heal so I can one day stand face to face with Him and steadfastly gaze with complete surrender, adoration and trust into His Son's Loving eyes.

But the grieving thing is still hard. I don't like it! OK...so can I turn that around...look for the goodness, the answers, in the experience? Maybe, but with true, healthy grief I find it's best to stay open to the process, hold on and just let it run it's course.

I've finally realized God is asking me to let go of various kinds of attachments. I have difficulty trusting Him and letting go because I don't want to lose good feelings, clear memories or my dreams and hopes. I don't want to lose people I love. Why don't I trust God knows best for me?

I'm also grieving for my tendency to fall into self-limiting thinking. And I'm grieving for those I hurt and those I care for who hurt me. I'm grieving for the loss of innocence and my self-deceptions. I weep for injustice and irony and the pain and tragedy we currently face in the world today. I mourn the ease with which I squandered my youth and the cultural bias associated with age that spurs the current mad rush to prolong the facade of youth. Why don't we want to grow up? Why don't we value age and wisdom?

I really have just awoken from a long dream to find I and the world have grown apart.

Pray for Peace and Healing

http://www.friendsjournal.org/contents/2003/11november/feature.htm

This is an interesting Quaker e-publication that discusses the definition of the word Shalom.

Self-Esteem

The Sunday before last, a nice guy at church made a comment that I looked like someone in the media. I'm sure it was a compliment but after he left, and before I could stop myself, I made a self-depreciating remark to another guy friend. The negative comment just popped out. My polite companion was rather stunned and quickly reassuring. Unfortunately, my thoughtless comment was the kind that echoes in the memory. Hmm... "Why did I do that", I thought ruefully.

Looking back over the last four years, I think I've made several other ill timed, self-depreciating remarks in response to compliments. Despite my "foot-in-mouth" lapses, I am actually well aware putting myself down in any manner lessens me in the eyes of others and actually insults the person who made the compliment. Not good! So, I'm not entirely sure why I can't control my occasional, cynical outbursts and why I have a hard time accepting compliments graciously. Perchance, I'm suffering a pernicious bout of low self-esteem and need a large dose of healthy thinking?

I happened to read an article on Hotmail News today...not my favorite source for solid information... but the article from which the excerpt below was extracted was pretty good...and I found not one but eight healthy solutions.

Eight thinking patterns that support healthy self-esteem
By Steve Nakamoto

Self-esteem reflects whether a person loves, accepts, and believes in who they are. The simplest way to raise a person's self-esteem is to improve that person's way of thinking. This isn't necessarily easy, but improved self-esteem can result by adopting these eight new thinking patterns:

1. Rediscover and reaffirm your personal strengths
2. Figure out the hidden strengths in your so-called weaknesses
3. Make a long list of your personal breakthroughs
4. Avoid negative comparisons
5. Stop the critic inside of you
6. Quit blaming yourself for mistakes in the past
7. Have more compassion for yourself
8. Be your own cheerleader

And I'll add...praise God for showing you answers even on the internet (:

Attitude of Gratitude

I haven't felt sad for quite a while, but I'm feeling pretty sad today. The downward emotional spiral started last Thursday as a feeling of mild irritation. Then regrets and frustrations started sweeping in and out like the tide. This morning regrets were especially painful. The first thing I thought about this morning was how to get unpleasant feelings to stop. Self talk? A visit to Starbucks? Vitamin B? Remedy low blood sugar? Walking? Nothing worked. So I plugged on through a job related meeting, tried to appear chipper and then drove home in a funk. The hypnotic aspect of driving a straight 45 minutes at 45 mph gave me time to relax into my dusky thoughts until I finally realized I didn't need to be trapped in this darkening state of mind. A healthy solution might be to find the good aspects in what I was experiencing. I decided to praise God for what he has provided recently and continues to teach me this week.

For instance...where is my gladness and praise to God for directly answering my prayers this week about financial need? I prayed for his help last week and Saturday I received an unexpected check for a sizable sum in the mail. Financial problems entirely solved. A miraculous answer to prayer? Yes! It's not the first time this has happened. Thank you God for providing exactly what I need.

What else can I praise God for today? God, you help me...

- see emotional pain as a positive experience, something to explore and a sign of inner change and healing.
- understand my regrets are part of an ongoing grieving process and things I need to process in order to let go of the past and move on to do God's work while on earth.
-accept and explore my frustrations, open my heart to my emotions, and practice compassion for self and others.
-surrender to God's will and allow His will, and not my fears, to become my source of forward momentum.
-see my recent, self-limiting thoughts about age and death as an illusory, self-created shroud God enables me to move beyond as I embrace eternal Life in and through Christ.
-actively and joyfully explore life, stay emotionally, mentally and physically flexible and use the healthy body God gave me to express his glory and explore his creation without self-imposed limitations and fear of failure and loss?

Is all this thinking practical? Yes. Is a change of heart, mind and lifestyle possible? Yes. Everything is possible with God.

God, thank you for waking me up when I start backseat driving or fearfully grab the wheel of my patched up little truckish self and try to steer myself down the highway of life. Help me let you take back the wheel, accept the gift of your peace and protection and just relax and enjoy the ride.

To round out a revealing day the movie "Oh, Brother Where Art Thou?" was on T.V. tonight. I consider OBWAT a brilliant movie and I enjoy the great performances by both actors and musicians. What a cool sound track! I hadn't seen the movie for a few years and this time I was struck by the spiritual issues the movie explores. Clooney's character is the rational foil to the other two character's innocence, intuition and spiritual "superstition". But in the end he too falls on his knees and asks God to save him from a lynch mob. Immediately after he prays, the valley is flooded and the four fugitives escape death. When the other two bring up their belief God's hand is guiding their fate, Clooney's character says there is a rational explanation for the flood. He argues the flood wasn't an answer to prayer because the local electric company was planning to flood that valley that day anyway. As he continues to discount their belief they all suddenly see a cow on the top of a flooded shed. This is the fulfillment of a prophecy given by an "oracle", the blind railway worker they meet at the beginning of the movie. Rational Mind vs. Spiritual Intuition. What a clear example of man's tendency to deny the answers and daily miracles God patiently and lovingly provides.

How can I judge those who would build a golden calf in the presence of God?

The Lord by any other name...

I will always be learning about God and his will for my life. I've had a spiritual sense of Him since I was a child and openly loved Him. I've felt his breath on my cheek when I watched tall pines clapping in the wind...felt his power on the edge of the ocean at sunset. I see his traces in all things. It is hard to put into words. Yet, ironically, I'm prompted to write...maybe this too will pass and I will learn to just be.

Writing helps me understand the experiences I'm having. Writing is a meditation. Writing is revealing and humbling. When I write I try to stay both open and detached so I can view the experiences I'm blessed with from a perspective that lies outside expected religious and social contexts and dogma. God is so much more than man's efforts to codify him. And yet religion has a holy purpose...God created man, he longs for full relationship with his creation and he speaks through the loving hearts of people.

What amazes me is God reached out to me through Chrisitianity and, despite my anger and protestations, I now believe without a doubt Jesus is the Son of God. Now God has taken my life into His hands and he heals me to the degree to which I can remain open to him...to bloom...to let go of the illusions of self...to follow His path. It is by God's mysterious grace I am forgiven and not by my efforts that I am enlightened. I don't know how it happened, but God has freely given me His light. My job is to open the curtains of my heart, mind and soul so His holy light can more fully shine through me. God give me the strength to release pain, fear and attachments!

I know I am loved in a way I could not even imagine before I surrendered to Jesus as my master. It makes no rational sense but it is true. I would not have believed this before...there is a remarkable transformation that occurs. It cannot be explained, only experienced. It sounds like foolishness to those who have not experienced it. Yes, you ask, how could Jesus' death and resurrection have changed all of mankind's relationship with God? Somehow it did.

Other things I'm learning...

It is not the mind but the heart that breaks and opens.

Oneness with God is a gift that is freely given.

The journey is to stay awake, to surrender and remain open to God's will.

We are loved unconditionally by God and thereby saved by Christ.

It is the Love we actualize in relationship with others in the world that shapes us and allows us greater understanding of Love.

I don't know why I'm a Christian. There is a mystery in Christianity that is beyond reason. That mystery is by God's grace through Jesus Christ I am made new, loved completely and have been given a comforter and guide, the Holy Spirit.

Soul Laundry

Psalm 51:10-12
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from your presence,
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

In the frantic carnival and fading spiritual power of contemporary society, I find it's easy to stop listening to God's still voice and miss the answers God puts right in front of my eyes. It's good to remember the answers we seek are not always the answers we get and staying alert to the signs of God, those glow stickers in the dark, can be a challenge when they are hidden by artificial light. Can I turn off those false lights: the computer, T.V., magazines, obsessions, gossip, caffeine addiction, fashion, social bias, the emotional soup at work, pride, the misguided advice of friends? Is the solution to reduce distraction, hole up, study the Bible and still my mind through meditation? Probably. Do I do it? Sometimes. Truthfully, I'm sucked back into trivial, time wasting nonsense way too easily. I guess it seems easier not to think. So, I sit back and absorb meaningless chatter, justifying this spiritual sellout by telling myself I just need to unwind. The problem is, if I reduce myself to my lowest denominator long enough, I might just unwind so much I'll come completely unwound.

I was reading the verse above and commentary on a pastor's blog and it stuck me. I wasn't thinking of myself as a sinner, but I am, and I may well have worked against goodness, peace, healing and light this last month instead doing something to further God's loving plan. So, yes, I need to get my head out of my (ahem) and my eyes and ears open and look for ways to see and listen again for God's subtle and unexpected voice.

Jesus, my soul needs some laundering today. Help me keep your praises on my lips and finger tips.